Helmet's Blogapalooza

TFT… Caring & Sharing

A while back I wrote a guest post on my BBFF (Blog Best Friend Forever) Denise’s blog while she was busy moving. Just as certain as Helen Keller was my soul mate (I was born in the wrong era) it was Denise’s best post ever! Just recently my BBFF Courtney of the world famous Word Perv left a comment on a post of mine with better content then the actual post had (which is typical of most comments vs. Helm posts). I had two options at that point. To threaten her with my ninjirate moves that if she ever one-up'd me on my own blog again it could get ugly, or to invite her to guest post on my blog to make it gooder (Kentucky word). Today I saw she had guest posted on another blog as her blog buddy was going through some tough times and needed a break. This got me thinking...

I feel we all should occasionally have other bloggers guest post on our respective blogs. It’s always nice to see an alternate viewpoint and to introduce bloggers to other bloggers. If there is anyone out there interested on being a guest author on the blogapalooza let me know. I can assign you a topic or you can bring your own idea to the table if you feel peeing isn’t a worthy topic. I will extend the offer if you would like me to ruin your blog with a shitty Helmey post. So what do you think?

China Reign

First and foremost I want to thank everyone for their nice comments regarding poor sick Bailey. Our awesome vet changed up her treatments yesterday afternoon and Bailey seems to be feeling somewhat better this morning. I think in a few days she should be back to her normal naughty self as she was finally walking around and eating a little bit. It must be my cooking...

It seems there has been more Chinese cheating in the Olympics. But I’m not going to say anything about it as I read something disturbing recently. Apparently the Chinese have new technology that can prevent it from raining. If I piss them off they might keep it from raining in Utah where we will all perish and turn into dust. Then all of you down winders will be cleaning Helmey off your coffee tables and I don’t care for the smell of pledge or endust. Nor do I want my final resting place to be in a swiffer. I can only assume my distaste for cleaning product smells comes from Brandy poisoning me with windex over the years. None the less I don’t want to be responsible for the celestial kingdom being overwhelmed with the influx of Utahans all at once. I can only imagine what a mess it would be as the Red Cross would have to set up shelters outside the gates as credentials are checked rechecked and then verified. I know I’m good as I won a free pass to the celestial kingdom out of a twelve pack of coke a few years back. Helmey hearts China…

My poor puppy is sick as a…dog

I’m afraid there will be no levity in today’s post. I just felt this might be a good avenue for me to express myself. It was narrowed it down to either posting or expressing my feelings with creative dance. I decided to go with the former.

I guess it all began on Saturday as Heath came over to help me finish the deck. You might have noticed I left the shitty friend off his moniker this time. The fact that he spent half his weekend helping me without compensation (other than beer) was an awesome and completely selfless act. Wayman also has been killing it in the friend department so at this time I currently do not have any shitty friends so if you’re interested in the job let me know.

Having the yard full of lumber and power tools, we figured the wonderpup might be better off spending the day at her daycare. She loves it there as she plays with the other dogs non-stop from the moment she arrives until we pick her up. I’m thinking this might be the culprit. Now let’s fast forward to Sunday morning. Being a lab, Bailey will eat her breakfast in under a minute. This particular morning she slowly meanders to her food takes a few bites and then spews them back up. This continues for a bit as we conclude she’s really sick (we tend to be slow at times).

We load the poor girl up and take her to the e-vet as it’s the only option on a weekend. Let me tell you it’s not a nice place to spend a Sunday afternoon. When you take your pet to the vet during regular hours on weekdays it seems most the clients are there for routine maintenance. E-vet on weekends = bad shit. We walk in noticing how Bailey is growing more and more lethargic. The waiting area was full of animals in rough shape with their distraught and sobbing owners. To be honest its one of the more depressing situations I have ever witnessed. We finally get Bailey examined along with a bunch of tests and x-rays. They suggest that it’s some kind of intestinal virus coupled with her dehydration and depression that we hospitalize her overnight.

It was heartbreaking to leave her and poor Brandy had an especially tough time. It’s funny how you can care for a dog like it’s your own child. It’s even harder in the aspect that they can’t tell you what’s wrong or that you in turn can’t reassure them it’s going to be alright. You can only hope that your actions can convey the sentiment.

We were able to bring her home last night and she’s just lying around feeling shitty and still not eating anything. It sucks to spend $750 at the e-vet and bring home your dog that still isn’t feeling well. Thus we have an appointment with our vet later this afternoon as we will do whatever it takes to get her right again. Anyhow thanks for reading if you made it this far and please send your good thoughts to our little girl…

More current events with Helm…

I came across this article that almost disturbed me as much as the drunken nude guy that crawled into the porta-potty shit tank. Joyce McKinney apparently loved her pit bull “Booger” so much she went to South Korea and had it cloned… 5 times. I guess in some cases cloning once just isn’t enough. She cared deeply for her dog and I get that, but getting 5 copies made seems just a bit excessive. She obviously loved her dog dearly. That however is not what bothered me.

                                                             

Making worldwide news for the cloning, Joyce was recognized as a fugitive in Tennessee. It seems she skipped bail in 2004 and has been on the lam ever since. Joyce was apprehended while in a van, getting a 15 year old boy drunk as she was preparing to have him burglarize a house. Surprisingly it seems those actions are against the law in Tennessee. Her heart was in the right place as the proceeds from the robbery were going towards a prosthetic limb for her 3 legged horse that she loved dearly. This also is not where I had my greatest issue with Joyce.

While living in the UK in 1977 Joyce did something else extremely naughty. According to the article she kidnapped a Mormon missionary, handcuffed him to her bad and kept him as a sex slave. There are a few things that just don’t make sense to me in that part of the article. First off is that missionaries work within the buddy system. Where you find one kid rocking the black name tag you find another on his hip. Allow me break this down as I see it. The boys are standing outside the house belonging to the creepy lady with a 3 legged horse and the clone dogs. He then turns to his buddy and states something along the lines of I’m doing this one solo, head back to camp and if I’m not back in a few weeks come looking for me. In keeping the theme of bad judgment calls I’m not quite sure why she would take a Mormon missionary as a sex slave. Now don’t get me wrong I’m in no way advocating the taking of sex slave, voluntary or otherwise but if you’re fucked up enough to pull a stunt like that I'd figure she would kidnap someone more of the Ron Jeremy caliber. It would seem she loves her missionaries dearly…

Here is crazy Joyce

"it puts the lotion on clone dog's skin"

And if you’re a Humor-Blogs.com member click on the link and give me my props as I’m falling way behind again… do as you’re told and no one gets hurt…

blah, blah, blahg...

It seems I’m still rocking the blahgs or the casbah as I’m not sure which. Initially I was apprehensive about posting a bunch of random shit. I then realized that I haven’t necessarily set the blog bar that high and it wouldn’t be much of a stretch from my regular posts. Giddyup!

Hi, I’m Helmey, I’m an Olympics junkie and I will own it. Typically the arrival of the Olympics means sleep deprivation, drinking copious amounts of crown royal and Helm regurgitating a bunch of random bullshit facts to anyone within earshot. The arrival of the Olympics also means I’m four years older than I was the last time around. Basically what I’m getting at is I’m no longer able to pull the all night Olympic bender. Tragically I have absolutely no clue what’s going on in the respective worlds of air pistol shooting and trampoline. I can barely make it through the primetime broadcast to see what those crazy 8 year olds on the Chinese girl’s women’s gymnastics team will do next. Oops, 16 year olds…my bad. I am going to drop it or I’m going to end up in a Chinese prison with Bela Karolyi. Then he will get inspired by my Ninjirate skills, come out of retirement and coach me to a gold metal which I don’t have time for…

I put Baileys in my coffee this morning…the Irish cream not my dog…it's delicious…

In a prior post I had asked for suggestions on careers that didn’t involve driving. I have since decided that I just need to quit being a pussy and deal with it. Until I can find a state sponsored aggressive driving course I have decided to just think angry thoughts before I hit the streets. This way I can be a shitty driver just like everyone else. Problem solved… I came to this conclusion as all the non driving options failed to interest me. That and I sure as shit wasn’t going to end up like Petey working miscellaneous donkey shows and glory holes to make a living. It’s starting to affect his volleyball game in a big way.

In reading Kel’s blog it looks like she’s in route to Utah for a heartwarming family visit. I would like for all my Utah readers to provide her with a pretty great welcome and a 3.2 beer. You can visit her blog as she chronicles her journey behind the Zion Curtain. Her blog can be found at "how to reach kel .blogspot.com" (sans the spaces). I would assume the answer to that URL will be by telegraph or smoke signals as she’s going to be god only knows where (and he will) rural Utah. Don’t worry as I have dispatched the missionaries…we will get her… It’s for her own good. Otherwise she’s going to breakdown and say the fuck word many times as I doubt she’s going to find any coffee or alcohol. For my non local blog faithful, you will be punished if you say potty words and/or drink adult beverages in BFE Utah. Basically they throw rocks at you followed by tossing you in the river. If you float you’re presumed a witch and burned at the stake, if you sink you’re a drowned witch. Pretty much sucks either way. Godspeed Kel…

That’s all I got…Grab your torches and head back to camp…