Helmet's Blogapalooza

If you see me on the corner, pretend you don’t …

First off I want to thank everyone that went cyber searching for me. I am alive and contrary to popular belief the zombies didn’t get me.

 

They never will…

 

Helmey once again fell victim to this shitty economy and was laid off for the second time in his life, and coincidently the past 7 months. It pretty much sucks to be me right now. It’s a good thing that when times were awesome I lived within my means. As much as I wanted to spend all my cash on crack and ninja swords, I put some of it away. As a cost cutting alternative to crack and ninja swords I smoke crown royal in the rock form and purchase the more economical samurai swords. This way I would have a little something in case of a rainy day.  Apparently it’s been raining since the second half of ’07 with no relief in the forecast. Awesome…

 

Needless to say I haven’t been feeling bloggy. Its pretty humbling when at one point of your life your turning down opportunities left and right being recognized as one of the best in your field only to realize a few years later that you and your mad skills are no longer in demand.

 

Whatever… It is what it is… I’m off to freebase some crown-ack and get back to the pole.

 

Speaking of, you’re all more than welcome to join me at the shaker bar. My dancer name is “Angry Dragon” and you get a 2 fer lap dance if you mention the blogapalooza. Be sure to stop at the bank and get a bunch of ones because I can shake that ass... word

VD = Valentines Day

Saturday night was awesome. We went out with some friends to dinner at a sushi place to kick the evening off. Keep in mind just over a month ago I was scared shitless of sushi. Mid January Wayman calls and tells me that were going to a sushi lunch for his birthday, for me not to bitch about it and “just make it happen”. Good thing for him I was about four crowns into my Saturday at the time. I was brave and ate the fish, realizing it wasn’t that bad.  

 

We’re at the restaurant as Pop Tart and Puma begin to wear me the fuck out deciding on what to order. I’m sure they have eaten their weight in sushi a few times over in their lifetime so it’s not like they hadn’t tried everything on the menu. Why it is raw fish connoisseurs never know what to get once its time to place their order and panic is beyond me. I guess I should be more understanding as I am only brave enough to even attempt two kinds thus making my decision quite easy.

 

Fast forward past the bar to the comedy club where we had the pleasure of seeing Marcus. He’s the local guy that was the runner up on the Last Comic Standing last season. Halfway through the show I realized the secret to his success. Marcus reads the blogapalooza. A good portion of his material can be found in the archives of this shitty blog. The sad part is he’s a world renowned comic making big cash being awesome, and I have an obscure blog that 3 people read a week, well, on a good week. I suppose its all in the delivery. Out of the dozen of us that went, I got to sit by Wayman who was asking me where the “waitress” was every 30 seconds, I let him live as valentines gift.

 

The topic of Helmeypalooza world tour ’09 came up afterwards back at the bar. I want to go back to Mexico this summer, Wayman and Brandy said they want to go to the Dominican Republic. I have never been so I will turn to my BPals. Any of you been to the DR and have any feedback for me?

I always feel like…

Somebody’s watching me… And I’m right. It’s not the creepy stack of cash from the Geico commercials, but a young blonde female. At first it was flattering but now her obsession with Helmey has gotten out of control. I pretty much can’t go anywhere without being followed and if I make an escape she sits there and cries until I return.

 

Yep, you guessed it…My stalker is Shadow Stomp the foster dog.

 

Everywhere I go, this is what I see when I look down (followed by a nose being shoved into my crotch area)

 

 

This isn’t Helm’s first rodeo dealing with a lady that’s obsessed with him. It’s just the first time the female has been of the canine sort… wait… never mind…

 

Just last night Shadow Stomp was all up in my shit and I turned to the wife and advised that this is the kind of loyalty I’m going to need from Brandy in the future. Then she hit me. Twice… Jealousy rears its ugly head and she brings the violence… nice

 

I’m guessing that was the final straw as this fostering thing is technically Brandy’s gig with me only as support staff. Apparently the foster dogs will like her better or else… there is something wrong with them. Brandy loads up Shadow Stomp in the car and she’s off to the vet. She comes back with doggie crazy pills and sedatives. Then she manufactures some bullshit story about Doggie anxiety of the separation sort. This to me seems like a blatant attempt to mask or justify the fact that my awesomeness even transcends the species line.

 

In other news (like I didn’t have enough to deal with already) killer bees are now here in Utah… Awesome

 

Yes, Utah is the beehive state but maybe they could hang out with the zombies in Texas until I get this spider thing worked out before I have to deal with new threats…

And here we go again.

Apparently when I attempt to make a rule with Brandy, it ends up being an unenforceable suggestion.

 

my bad…

 

After Foster dog Maggie was placed in her new home I told Brandy that we needed a break and wouldn’t accept another foster dog until at least March… right…

 

Reboot last Thursday evening. Brandy gets home from work and tells me we need to hurry up and eat because were due at the shelter to pick up a new foster dog. After my objections fell upon deaf ears were off to the shelter. We got there and they had a boy and girl dog out running around. It seems some shitass tied them to the pole in front of the shelter on Wednesday night. This was especially thoughtful as the ground around the pole was snow covered and the temp got down to about 10 degrees that particular evening.

 

I can understand there are circumstances; especially considering the times we live in having to surrender a dog. But the aforementioned is a cowardly and extremely cruel way to go about it. I would love to find the douchebag in question and tie his ass to a pole for an overnighter (an outside one with snow, not the sexy dancing kind) .

 

So without further ado, allow me to introduce white dog…

 

 

 

When dogs are abandoned there is obviously no way to know their names. The shelter people were calling her Lady and that wasn’t going to work at all. I’m not sure why or how they didn’t notice, but she is a dog, not a lady. Brandy decided on Ellie which was fine, however I wanted a name that suited her personality thus I renamed her Shadow Stomp.

 

She’s taking it easy lately as Friday morning we had to take her to the vet to have her dog-gina cut off. She was not pleased in the slightest, and I don’t blame her…

 

Considering I’m doggie blogging today I want to introduce a new Blogapalooza weekly feature titled Helmey’s shirt of the week. This weeks selection will not only be doggie related but it’s also one of Brandy’s shirts…

 

   

 

Sorry about the wrinkle in the shirt but it reads “My Black Lab Is Smarter Than My Husband’s Friends” the back "Black Lab Naiton." Keep in mind this shit is custom BPals… You can’t find it in stores so don’t bother looking…

do - over

Yesterday I had started a long, labor intensive post continuing on about the Wendover shenanigans. I got bored and saved it as a draft and moved on to other non blog things. I pulled it up again this morning to finish it and realized just how much it sucked. I then took the liberty to read my last post. By the end I noticed that the post was full of hostility and “you had to be there” moments. I’m not sure what my malfunction is but I’m starting over.

 

There was one blogworthy event that I haven not yet posted about from the ‘dover visit. You might recall the last time I went I had roomed with Wayman for ended up as being the worst night of my life. It was the night where he insisted on sleep yelling, snoring, blowing ass among other shit that made me want to walk over to his bed with a pillow to hold over his face till the kicking stopped. Well the voodoo curse continues for poor Helmey. I will apparently never get decent nights sleep in Wendover. Not that getting shitfaced and going to bed at 3AM is any help.

 

Around 4:30 in the morning the hotel fire alarm goes off. I’m not sure if you have ever been in a hotel when the fire alarm goes off but they don’t fuck around as that shit is loud. The best part was Brandy had enough wine and sleep deprivation to not wake up immediately. Jackpot! The plan was to get the trash can, fill it with tissue and light it on fire. Then I could hold it up running through the room screaming like I engulfed in flames. However Brandy woke up as soon as I got out of bed and ruined everything. The shrill high pitched siren continued off and on for about a half hour as they kept trying to reset the system. They never did say what had happened but my theory was that the cumulative fumes from the nasty ass Steeler fans had fooled the sensors into thinking there was a toxic waste blaze burning throughout the hotel and casino.

 

I gotta run… I have to go back and read some more of my past posts and cry after finding out how bad this blog really is…