Helmet's Blogapalooza

The big story you won’t find in the news…

I think that I’m about to be grounded from the Blogapalooza. Brandy caught up on her reading last night and was not at all impressed. To be honest the look on her face after she was done resembled what I would imagine the look would be if Bailey had shit in her mouth. But I don’t imagine dogs laying cable in my wife’s mouth very often so I can’t be sure if that’s the right visual.

 

Posting about zombie invasions, flying unicorns, and changing myself into a giant turtle apparently are not acceptable post topics. I tried to explain to her that I in all honesty can not change myself into a turtle (if I could I would have at the beginning of the conversation.) Then I explained to her that I would have to be a witch to accomplish such a feat, and that I am not one. If you throw me in a river I would sink, or float, whatever it is that not witches do. Considering that it’s still pretty fucking cold outside I suggested that if she wanted proof we should wait until spring, or go to Mexico.

 

I do have something tangible to talk about. Something painful yet indicative of the times we now live in. Helmey was yet another victim of fraud earlier this week. As hard as it will be for me to discuss I’m going to put it out there in an effort to help you learn from my misfortune.

 

I’m still working on my hypochondria agoraphobia. You see I’m not afraid to go out into the world, I just don’t want to… I have my reasons. For example you or someone you care about is probably sick right now. If your shaking your head no then you either just got over something or are about to get it. You know why that is? It’s because you leave your house.

 

Anyhow my point…

 

Not leaving the house presents an issue around lunch time. However I recently found the perfect solution for the situation. You know the delicious treat know as ramen noodles? Well they recently stepped it up into these gourmet versions that come in a microwavable bowl. I was set for life, completely willing to pay about a buck and a quarter each, until they let me down.

 

The day in question was routine. I opened the package to the dotted line, carefully took out the vegetable packet and then the liquid and powdery seasonings respectively. Then I filled the cup to the dotted line (with water not urine) and opened the vegetable packet.

 

This is when my world was turned upside-down…

 

To my surprise the only thing in the packet was a faint smell that reminded me of shrimp and a girl Wayman dated a while back. Are you fucking kidding me? How do they fuck that up? Not even one little freeze dried pea? I got dizzy and confused not knowing what to do with my empty vegetable packet. I cried, then called Brandy but neither was any help. I would have died that day if it wasn’t for an expired can of guacamole Pringles in the back of the pantry. You know it’s true what they say about eating just one.

 

The moral of the story is that you need to be aware of what’s going on out there. I bet the Raman noodle Nazis saved millions of dollars by intentionally sending out empty vegetable packets only to pay themselves huge bonuses. You can rest assured that I’m going to write my congressman and the noodle powers that be will pay dearly for this treachery! Mark my words BPals!!!

I told you so! I knew it! I totally knew it!!

First and foremost I need to thank my blog BFF Sarah for bringing this article to my attention. It seems zombies finally attacked, and it went down in Texas. This also proves my theory that zombies do not have sophisticated thought processes as if they did they would attacked anywhere besides the butthole of America.

 

 

 

The article then proceeds to play it off as some hacker infiltrated the DOT system posting the warning as a joke but Helmey knows better. Tell me if you’re heading down the highway early in the morning and see that sign you don’t think twice. I bet a few of you at least tap the brake and hesitate then foolishly continue on. Most of you pull over and think “What would Helmey do?” The smartest BPals of all would be like Kel and take their scooter over the median and head back at a blistering top speed of 32 miles per hour, or as she calls it terminal velocity, avoiding the threat altogether.

 

See, just like that my stock goes way up doesn't it. No more half assed attempts on keeping up on the blogapalooza. From now on the blogapalooza is the first stop in the morning... Even before you pee in the shower... It's cool as I knew you would eventually come around. Im just sorry that it had to come down to a full on zombie invasion to make it happen.

 

If Brandy reads this it might be a few days before I post again as I might have to transform myself into a giant turtle… Stay tuned…

fly me to the moon...

My dear BPal’s I need you all to wish me luck. You see I just had an appointment with my accountant to get our taxes done. Given the fact that I apparently took a 50% pay cut from ’07 (which subsequently was a 50% cut from ‘06) I’m hoping to get a refund this year. I was thinking that if I did get a refund I would tell Brandy that we didn’t get one only to surprise her with a live unicorn with the refund money. How awesome would it be to have a unicorn? I don’t know anyone that has one, and just think of good times and shenanigans that would ensue as a byproduct of having a white horse with a giant magical horn.  

 

However I recently ditched the idea. After finding Maggie a foster home we began to tentatively look for another dog in trouble that needs a foster home. As Brandy and I were scouring the websites of the local shelters I found one reoccurring fact quite disconcerting. I’m not sure what the fuck people are thinking but some of these mixed breeds just seem cruel. We were looking mostly at labs (as we are lab people) and found some mutant Labrador concoctions. There was a lab mix with basset hound that was totally freaking me out as it looked like a lab with dumbo ears and 4 inch legs, but the worst was the lab mixed with shar pei. The shar pei if you don’t recall is the Chinese wrinkle dog. In its picture it had this look like “it sucks to be and I hate my life.”

 

If and when we do foster another dog I think we need to learn a lesson from our time with Maggie. We should foster a dog that sucks, is mean and tries to kill me. This way there is no attachment and in theory I couldn’t wait to see it go. I’m thinking a Lab mixed with tarantula as my BPals surely know by now how I feel about spiders.

 

Now let’s get back to why I ditched my unicorn idea. With all the mix breeding going on why should I limit myself to a unicorn when I could get a unicorn mixed with Pegasus? Why not have a flying horse with a magical horn? I know Arabian horses are a tax write off so I asked the accountant if I could write off the flying unicorn for tax year ‘09. After looking me over for a few (I’m guessing that was the first time he was presented with a question of that caliber) he said I could not. Keep in mind I don’t want to put the cart in front of the horse, pun intended, as I need to be sure I’m getting a refund first.

 

Giddyup!!

Wonder twin powers activate!!!

So I read this article...

LAGOS, Nigeria January 23, 2009 (AP)

The Associated Press

One of Nigeria's biggest daily newspapers reported that police implicated a goat in an attempted automobile theft. In a front-page article on Friday, the Vanguard newspaper said that two men tried to steal a Mazda car two days earlier in Kwara State, with one suspect transforming himself into a goat as vigilantes cornered him.

The paper quoted police spokesman Tunde Mohammed as saying that while one suspect escaped, the other transformed into a goat as he was about to be apprehended.

The newspaper reported that police paraded the goat before journalists, and published a picture of the animal.

Police in the state couldn't immediately be reached for comment.

And I realize that this is one of the greatest things I have ever had the pleasure of reading.  I began to think... if only...

Then I remembered something that my mommy told me when I was younger...

Mommy - "Young Helmey, you can do anything your heart desires as long as you put your mind to it."

So I will put my mind to it. Next time I'm in trouble with Brandy for talking about peeing in the shower or zombies in public it's on. Im going to close my eyes and concentrate really hard and transform myself into a...

Galapagos Giant Tortoise

Not only are those things awesome, they get to be over 600 pounds and four feet long. Then I could pull my head, arms, and legs into my shell to protect myself from the wife look and subsequent beating for once again bringing up the "things we do not speak of in public that embarrass your wife." Just another one of the many fringe benefits of being a giant tortoise. It might be so awesome that I never change back.

Don't panic as I surely would change back, eventually, as turtles can't blog, or drink Crown Royal...

 

White Monday

Today I’m going to be sad. You see, yesterday afternoon Maggie was adopted by a very kind older lady. This lady was in her early 70’s, is a widow and was looking for a dog just like Maggie for a companion. I am well aware that this is the perfect situation for the brown foster dog but it still broke my heart to see her go after spending the last 6 weeks with her in our home. When I was outside watching them drive off, Maggie had her head out the back window and was smiling while giving a new look. A look that I interpreted as “Thanks for  giving me a chance and taking care of me until I found the perfect home.” A tear (or two) fell out of my eye, for real, not pretend. Being happy and sad at the same time sucks as it feels like it’s tearing you apart from the inside out like in “Hellraiser”. It’s like drinking a Red Bull and Vodka, or a Helmey if it’s your favorite drink.

 

Brandy received an e mail from Maggie’s new mom this morning letting us know that she’s doing great, has already adapted to her new environment and had a great first night. I know those two are perfect for each other and know they have many happy days ahead of them. I just miss Maggie… Poor Brandy was a mess… Bailey on the other hand looked for her for a few, then got excited as she realized that she was back to being the only dog meaning everything was again hers and there was no more need to share…

 

Goodbye Magatron…

 

You will always be a part of our family…