Helmet's Blogapalooza

This place has gone to the dogs...

It seems I have left out some critical information about foster dog Maggie, and for that BPals I’m truly sorry. I’m seeing an increase of suggestions in the comment section that we should keep foster dog Mags. This unfortunately is not an option for the following reason. Maggie is a murderer… or she would be if given the opportunity. She is the worlds sweetest dog until a smaller animal enters the picture. The day after we picked her up we took her and Bailey to the park to get our fetch on. We headed over to a small park about a mile away from our house. This park has completely fenced baseball diamonds which are perfect for throwing a ball to a dog that might get distracted and take off. We had been out doing our thing for about an hour when it happened. A small Shih Tzu-ish dog came barreling our way in a barking frenzy. Maggie was off after it with Helm in hot pursuit. She snatched up the dog just as I got there and pried it out of her jaws. I think if I was a few more steps behind and that small dog would have been history.

 

So you take that that she showed her ass (and distain for small animals) coupled with the fact that Brandy has two cats you can see our dilemma. Trust me when I tell you that I would rather part with the cats and keep the dog. Cats are ungrateful emotionless little trolls, and being a dude living with cats named Tiny Dancer and Princess leaves the door wide open for my friends to give me shit.

 

Our house has remained divided for a week and a half now. Dogs have the main floor and the cats have been relocated to the upstairs for their own safety as Maggie has gone after them a few times. We can’t keep this up forever so sadly Maggie is still up for adoption but will have a loving home here as long as it takes for the right family to adopt her.

 

In other dog news I have noticed a huge increase and escalation in the dog wrestling / fighting in the front room. It starts out playfully and builds up to some pretty mean sounding snarling and roughhousing. Basically I’m about to get my Michael Vic on and take bets to make some side cash. Maggie having already shown her killer instinct is a 2 to 1 favorite. Don’t count Bailey out as everyone loves an underdog, pun intended.

 

Happy New Years Eve BPals! Be sure to be safe tonight!!!

Catching up with Helm...

It seems that the act of patience has become a lost art. In my entire professional tenure I have never been shit on like this, ever. I understand that my brokers have clients who are pressuring them but give a Helm a break for fucks sake. From dawn till dusk plus I get non-stop wining, yelling/screaming, crying and threatening calls, e-mails, texts, or whatever other form of communication these crafty buggers can come up with. Don’t get me wrong as its only about half my clientele that carries on like this but sadly it ruins me for the rest of them. It would be nice to have the luxury to wonder when I got up of whether it was going to be a good day or a shitty one. As of late I know from the second my eyes pop open that it’s all downhill from there. I guess it’s the price I need to pay to succeed and should be grateful for the fact I have too much to do vs. too little these days especially.

 

I’m on to a new conspiracy and their gig is totally up. Nordstrom’s has been supplying our Chinese food takeout joint with fortune cookie propaganda.

 

   I give you exhibit A... It worked too as Brandy was no match for its fortune powers

 

Have you seen this new Prudential (click here)commercial? Wouldnt it be awesome if in there somewhere the guy says “a rock can fuck you up” obviously bleeping out the f-word for the networks, while showing some tweaker smoking some crack?

 

In case you’re wondering, foster dog Maggie is doing quite well. So well that she even puked on me in the bed last night which was awesome. I guess I get a 3:30 AM dog pukeing instead of a silver bell this year…

 

That’s right… I didn’t get a silver bell…

 

I leave you with a picture of the new Christmas buddies.

 

 

 

Love, Grumpy Helm

 

Im off to tear up some crown...

A Home for the Festivus-days

This holiday season I have been wrapped up in my own little world even more than normal. As mentioned in my previous post I have been busier at work than I have in quite some time. Consequently it has been tough for me to think beyond the job and the basics like making sure I have gifts for everyone that made the naughty list. I give food to the food drives, donate clothes, make sure to give some cash to the Salvation Army silver bell ringers (selfishly hoping they might give me my very own bell) thus I pretty much do my part without doing my part.

 Maggie is a four year old little girl who lived with her grandmother and her dad. Her grandmother died recently and their home was foreclosed upon. Her dad decided to move back to the Midwest and realized at the last minute he would not be able to care for Maggie and that she would have to be left behind and did just that this past Friday.

 

 This is Maggie...

Brandy being the angel that she is, listed us as emergency fosters for the Utah Lab Rescue. As an extremely sad sign of the times all the shelters are completely full. So full in fact that they will no longer even take surrendered dogs under any circumstances. The only dogs they take are strays that are picked up by animal control. The worst part is that they are so full that most of these animals are immediately euthanized as they have nowhere to put them. Brandy figured that surely there was a dog out there that just needed a chance. A dog that needed a home until it could be placed permanently with a new family. She contacted the head of the shelter to see what we could do to help and found out about Maggie. They had nowhere to place her and they were afraid they were going to have to put her down on Saturday. We were not about to let that happen so we went and picked her up this past weekend. Brandy even went to petco and got her some Christmas gifts as she will more than likely be spending a few weeks with us before she’s placed.

 

That is just one example of how awesome Brandy is as most of us would have never thought about that much less acted. I’m truly a lucky boy for being married to this one, even if she’s still trying to kill me.

ring-a-ling…hear them ring…soon it will be…

Holy shit!! With the sudden change in the market I have been approximately 69 times busier than I had been in weeks past. That being said obliviously I have not posted or even had a chance to see what’s up in your collective worlds in the past couple of weeks. I don’t know when things will settle down but please know that you’re all alive and well in my heart, for what its worth. Once things settle down a bit I swear to get back to it and I’ll be rocking your posts with snarky comments just like in the old days.

 

Last night Brandy and I went out to grab a bite and some holiday gifts. I felt it was an appropriate time to tell her what I really wanted for Festivus. I advised her that my Festivus wish was to receive a silver bell of my very own. I continued on that I’m not completely unreasonable and a silver plated bell would suffice. It was also to be engraved with something awesome of her choosing. I’m not sure what happened at that point as she began to question my intentions with said silver bell. She then jumped to the conclusion that I would abuse it by “ringing her when I wanted something”. That isn’t entirely true as that is just one of the many perks of having a personalized silver bell. She then began to dissect my silver bell intentions further.

 

Brandy failed to recognize one important fact. Men are simple creatures and I am a boy, which is a baby man thus even simpler a creature. I just want a fucking silver bell and she won’t get it for me. It’s not like I have some master plan to end her reign of tyranny with my silver bell. Seriously how much trouble can you get in with a silver bell anyhow? The only exception would be if you got an evil silver bell that not only spoke but suggested that you do it's evil silver bell bidding. That would be awesome though...

 

 I’m not giving up… Stay tuned…

The Da Vinci Code 57

It seems I was a bit vague on the order a Helmey at your local watering hole request. In theory you would from here on out call your favorite beverage a Helmey. If I mandate the concoction then you might not order it therefore rendering the entire concept ineffective.

 

In my continuing effort to maintain my edge of awesomeness, I do listen to the word on the street. Earlier this week the street told me something that I feel it’s my duty to share with you now that I have confirmation of its validity.

 

Wayman was missing again on Monday but for a better reason this time. Apparently after going out Sunday evening he returned home to what might have been the biggest game changer of the millennium. First I should tell you that Wayman lives in a newer high rise condo complex. He lives in said complex where he completely overestimates the security mostly due to being located on the Upper East Side. After the events that unfolded Sunday, I’m fairly certain he will be locking his door in the future.

 

Wayman walks in the door half cocked with his bag of greasy grub and immediately notices something is amiss. It seems his entire living room wall became an artist’s canvas while he was out. The unknown artist used an entire bottle of ketchup creating this mysterious floor to ceiling masterpiece.

 

After countless accusations, alibis, and enlisting the help of the posse that OJ used to help find the real killer, we have run out of suspects which brings me to my final conclusion. The immaculate appearance of the magical piece was the work of a higher power and contained all the secrets of the universe. Wayman never cleans anything yet suspiciously felt compelled to remove this piece of art before I was able to take the opportunity to decipher its true meaning. At any time in the future you are thinking to yourself that “gee, I wish Helmey had the secrets to life’s mysteries to bestow upon me” You can blame Wayman… I know I will...