Helmet's Blogapalooza

Blogapalooza housekeeping issues…

My good friend Jenna Tailia has called me out on the blogapalooza’s content. She advised me by phone, which took some brass ones, that I once was a hardcore blogger and according to her my posts are now much more Disneyesque. I need your input on this. Am I going soft or should she eat my ass?

 

I want to take a second and say thanks for all the California love. It seems CA has taken over as the blogapaloozas #1 market. My home state drops to second and MN, my old #2 is now like in 5^th place. I guess Minnesotans don’t get me anymore. I want to also acknowledge my Canadian viewers. Has anyone but me noticed that Canada resembles a dragon sitting perched on the USA when viewed on a map? I have been drinking tonight so I better check again once completely sober.

 

I feel as the community of blogapalooza viewers should no longer be nameless. I have two thoughts on what you all could be called. First would be BPals. BlogaPALooza and double the awesome as pal is a synonym for friend. Clever huh? The other option would be Fob’s as an acronym for “Friends of the Blogapalooza”. Indefinitely the decision is yours so you tell me what you should be called. I’m also open if you have a better idea.

 

Is anyone still interested in going to Vegas in April 17-20? If you’re fairly sure that you would go let me know so I can see if we can finalize some plans as its time to shit or get of the porch. (I did that on purpose, fucked up the cliché, it made me smile)

 

I’ve noticed you have all been keeping up with your fancy spelling and proper grammar on your blogs again. It seems the only fuck ups I see anymore are on the blogapalooza. I would like to appeal to you all one more time and ask you to dumb it down so I don’t look so bad. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

 

My final thought is simple. There will be no more talk of the Lions or the NFL et al. on this blog...

Take my hand… You’ve got to feel this…

I bet you didn’t know that Helmey is a hopeless romantic. That being said please note that Helm has been inspired by the new Zales TV commercial. You know the one where the sweet little couple walks around town while she recites that each location was where their first whatever took place. They end up in a park where says that she doesn’t recall any significant event taking place there and he breaks off a “you will” handing her an engagement ring. Sweet, sweet memory lane…

 

Speaking of streets, CNN got me thinking. They talk non stop about “bailing out” Wall St. and now Main St. If that goes through I think they should also bail out Elm, Sesame, and Fascination Streets respectively. There is no way to justify leaving out Freddy Krueger, Grover, and Robert Smith in times like these…

 

Back to my initial thought…

 

Brandy and Helm’s six year anniversary is this spring and I have an idea. I’m going to take her back to Indiana where we met and execute the following plan.

 

First we walk down to the Fox nightclub. Here is how I would imagine the dialogue would go down.

 

Brandy – This is where you first roofied me…

or

Brandy – This is where I first saw you puke copious amounts crown royal and tequila…

Helm – gags thinking about it

 

Note: Both would be correct and I’m pretty sure that’s where and when she fell for me. I was once told that booze on your breath gets the ladies hot, so parking lot ralphing booze breath from an all night bender must have sealed the deal. She was so sweet rubbing my back as I prayed for death. I bet if I had been rocking Michael Bolton hair she would have held it back.

 

The next stop would be the Megaplex movie theater.

 

Brandy – This is where you first talked me into making with the sexy in public…

Helm – ear to ear grin

 

Note: The movie theater was almost empty and the movie sucked ass. It’s not like it was opening night at Pirates of the Caribbean. That’s all I got for you as Helmey doesn’t kiss and tell…anymore…

 

We move on to the condo Brandy had when we first started dating.

 

Brandy – This is where I first physically assaulted you / punched you in the face and kneed you in the junk.

Helm – Flinches

 

Note: I don’t want to talk about it… All I am willing to say is that I never asked her to play the Playstation again as those scars don’t heal…

 

The final stop, the nearest bar or pub.

 

Brandy – I don’t remember this place.

Helm – You will, as all this walking around remembering shit has traumatized me to a point that I’m going to run up a legendary tab. I also seem to have forgotten my wallet so it’s on you.

Brandy – gives Helmey the “wife look”

 

I might need to rethink this plan…

mirror, mirror

 

Last week Co-Captain and Shank attempted to lead me down the bullshit path yet again. This is nothing new as those two tend to make up shit that they think is funny and try to pass it off as fact. Helmey knows better and pretty much disregards about 99% of what they come up with when they roll out the shit eating grins. The night in question they told me Wayman would not be coming out and for good reason. According to the boys, Wayman got shitfaced and tried to trim up his sideburns before going out. That in itself was odd as he doesn’t even rock the burns. They went on to say due to the fact that everything in the mirror appears backwards, Wayman started at the top and went down (top meaning half way up his head). Now I’m never one to give Wayman too much credit but there is no way that could be true even with him. They proceeded to tell us at that point he had no other option but to finish the job and shave the rest of his head. Being Wayman and drunk he supposedly missed large patches of hair and emerged looking like Sloth from “Goonies”.

 

Fast forward to Sunday…

 

Wayman shows up suspiciously wearing a hat. After some torment and ridicule we found out it not only happened but it went down just as they had said. Seriously how do you fuck that up? What does having a friend like Wayman say about me? I attempted to get photographic evidence but failed as he had a small tantrum. I didn’t press the issue as Alicia had already cleaned it up so it didn’t look as bad as it must of at the time of the disaster.

 

I’m going to take the blame for this one as the bar is set very high when you have a friend as pretty as Helm. Sexy is no accident my friends…

Brandy is trying to kill me…again

I have been extra awesome lately so I’m not quite sure why Brandy is revisiting her campaign to end me. First we had the poison water in the fridge, then the crisco on the floor of the shower, and now she’s trained the cats to do her bidding. I use a sliding scale of the frequency of “wife looks’ as a barometer of how good a boy Helmey has been. To be honest I can’t even remember the last time I was the recipient of one and therefore conclude she needs to call off the cats before it’s too late. I’d better explain…

 

Brandy has two cats that live in the house with us. If any of you have lived with cats and dogs at any point you should know the major differences. Dogs have best friends and want to please their owners; cats have staff and are completely indifferent. I figure its common knowledge that cats can’t be trained to do anything as they seemingly just don’t give a shit. Somehow Brandy with the help of witchcraft or Jedi mind tricks has the cats completely under her power. Four separate times now in the past couple of days one of the cats has cut in front of me and stopped short as I go down the stairs. The most recent time I ended up taking a four stair giant sliding step, spraining a testicle in the process. We have a ceramic tile landing so I’m pretty sure its curtains for Helm if and when they succeed.

 

The reason I’m telling you this is not to request sentiments of sympathy, not that I would get any if it were, but a plea for you to keep your collective eye open. If you don’t see any posts from me over a few days, please send help assumingI would be in mortal danger. If you see a really entertaining and well written post, know that I’m dead and someone has taken over the blogapalooza as I am not capable such a task.

 

Thank you in advance for your efforts to keep the Helm alive…

Helmey saves your life…A Blogapalooza PSA

I am assuming that some of the blogapalooza newbies might not be aware of the fact that Helmey is the first and best line of defense for the forthcoming zombie attack. You might have lulled yourself into a false sense of security thinking the zombie threat isn’t real and if this is the case you are greatly mistaken and you’d better listen up.

 

Below, I will list ten very important things you need to keep in mind and take to heart for when Z-day comes. This information in no way makes you an expert, at best it will keep you alive long enough to get in contact with me. Once in contact with Helmey you will need to plead your case as to why I should continue to help you. Just a thought but you might consider getting /staying off the shitty friend list...

 

Write this down… 

                                                                                               It's all fun and games until

1.Organize before they rise!   
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

 

You’re welcome…

 

Helm is wondering if he should take the visual down as it seems to validate Katie’s “bloody vomit porn” comment…