Helmet's Blogapalooza

State of the Capitán

As I sit here and wait for the DirecTV guy I figure that I might as well post. It seems poor Helmey has been a busy ninjirate as of late consequently neglecting the blogapalooza. I wish I could tell you it was a temporary situation but I fear that would be a lie. If you’re thinking the silver lining would be along the lines of the old quality over quantity cliché, you would be wrong. There seemingly will be fewer blogapalooza posts for a while, and they will suck just the same as they always have.

 

Even though I advised that there were to be no hurt feelings as I handed out awards in the last post, there apparently was some butt hurtness.  Therefore I would like to present the following bloggers with the whine and cheese award.

 

1. Doni
2. Mel
3. Becky
4. Kelli
5. Sunshine

 

There ya go…

 

It seems there was some fallout from me not updating the ECSE (El Capitan Stock Exchange). The Dow (and my 401K) had the biggest point drop of all time and the proposed bailout plan failed. I am truly sorry and will update the ECSE right now even if it’s too little too late.

 

Mel (MEL) went public today. Her IPO will be listed at 6 bucks even. She only posts like 2 times a month but is a consistent commenter on the blogapalooza. She is also the self proclaimed youngest participant on the board therefore there might be some longevity in this stock.

 

Sunshine (SS) is up to 9.25. The main thing holding her back is the Steelers played like shit and still won last night. It must be the magic of three rivers stadium. Wait…my bad Heinz 57 field.

 

Kel (KEL) is down to 4.75 for protesting her nadaward and being virtually MIA from the blogapalooza. Only Kel can make this right.

 

Denise (SHM) is down to one peso as the ECSE will now accept foreign currencies. As the dollar freefalls it only seems right. Hang in the Denise as the peso may soon be worth more than a penny and despite your best efforts, your stock may increase in value.

 

On the home front Brandy (B) is up to 100.69 a share for being a good sport and particularity funny as of late. Bailey (B2) is up to 2 bucks as she’s been cute in addition to destructive. Last but not least Helmey (EC) stock opened at infinity dollars due to unrivaled awesomeness.

 

Any other stocks needing update? Let me know…Woot! Cable guy is here…I’m out!!

Don’t hate me because now I’m even more awesome

It looks like the blogapalooza has won its first official award. I was nominated for said award by my blogBFF Karen of the world famous Knaphrodesiac blog. The narcissist in me immediately accepted the award only to find out ex post facto the honor came solely from being one of the few bloggers with a penis. Phew… It was scary to think the honor was bestowed upon me for my blog skills and or content as that my friends would have been the seventh sign of blogging.

 

That’s about the extent of what I was able to gather from the award post. It seems she wrote the entire post in smart people talk. I attempted to use and online translator to dumb it down but my computer locked up. It seems I have some due diligence to perform and nominate 7 more people the award and list some instructions. Why is it everything in the blog world resembles a pyramid scheme? I feel like I’m selling Amway or sex toy parties, just not as sexy.

 

Denise - Denise is the person that inspired me to blog after witnessing the awesome in person so many times. Denise back in the day would blog about kitties, flowers, and rainbows however it’s all about their new house as of late when she’s not busy checking her favorite porn sites.

 

Candy – The blog formally known as “Candy’s Corner” was one of the first blogs I added to my blogroll. She was the blogapalooza editor for one day but got a massive headache for her efforts and quit. She still acts as the fact checker when she’s not busy looking at porn.

 

Caleal– This gal has two dogs that are almost as naughty as Bailey. This was another of the first rounds of blogapalooza blogroll inductees. Her biggest pet peeve is when her dog Marty hides the remote when she’s watching porn.

 

Courtney– The Word Perv blog will be getting one of these awards today. Courtney is kind enough to send me things in an attempt inspire my posts. I can only imagine the disappointment when she sees what I do with the information provided. Its sweet she’s trying to make the blogapalooza better, but it’s a loosing battle. Courtney likes to throw up on blind dates while watching porn.

 

Rachel- The “Illusive Joy” blog deals with real emotional issues and social consequence. Rachel works as a therapist in a prison therefore deals with some disturbing and deep issues on a daily basis. Its people like her that truly make a difference in this world and the blogapalooza applauds her for her efforts. She chronicles her dealings in ways that make you think…for me that’s a good thing…

 

Kristi– Owner of the ‘Mi Vida Ocupada” blog Kristi was one of the very first people embrace the blogapalooza and not run away screaming. She is also a Vikings fan and I’m going to use this forum to serve her notice. Matt Millen is finally gone. This means no more drafting wide receivers and trading the lion’s best plays for draft picks to get more wide receivers. It’s on Kristi, watch for the Lions to take the division! I will get back to you on Oct 12 after the Lions bury AP. Recognize!

 

Zoloft mom– I’m pretty sure the Zoloft mom has never even been to the blogapalooza. Her blog was added to the blogroll on my 2^ndday blogging as almost I pissed my pants from laughing so hard. Every post on that blog puts a smile on my face. Even though you probably won’t see this…Godspeed Zoloft Mom…

 

Don’t get butt hurt if I didn’t select your blog. It doesn’t mean I don’t think your blog is awesome. I wanted to pay it forward to folks that have been extra supportive or inspirational to the blogapalooza in its entire be it short existence.

 

And now for the rules:

1. The winner can (and should, really) put the logo on his/her blog

2. The winner must link to the person from whom they received their award.

3. The winner must nominate at least 7 other blogs for an award.

4. The winner must place links to those blogs on their own blog.

5. The winner must leave a message on the blogs of the people they’ve nominated.

Thanks again Karen!!!

Hey…Where’s the sheep?

Saturday I went to a bachelor party in honor of my friend Jeremy that was held in Wendover. For those of you non locals that might have just found the blogapalooza, Wendover is a Utah/Nevada border town with six casinos and other assorted venues. I rode out with Wayman so I had to make a new road trip CD that contained Justin Timberlake to keep him happy. Sadly I’m not kidding as Wayman truly does have some indescribable hetero-fascination with the guy. I guess we all have our demons…Wayman brings sexy back, Helm’s a male blogger so who am I to judge.

 

Uh oh…Tangent alert. Given some of the responses I get as some of my more narrow minded friends find out about the blogapalooza (as it’s not something I broadcast), it appears it would be less emasculating to cross-dress than blog. “So you write about your feelings and shit?” or “That’s really sweet Helmey” are a few of the peanut gallery’s favorite jabs as someone rats my blogging out. Well the first thing out of their collective mouths is typically “What the fuck is a blog?” with whoever called me out explaining its “Helmey’s internet diary”.  It seems I need some new non-douchbag friends…

 

Let’s get back to the night in question. A good group showed up and we all had a great time. I have to assume we all did as a couple of us broke off around 11 to play poker for hours on end and never rejoined the main pack. Drinking a shitload of Crown Royal XR took its toll on me so around 3 AM I decided to call it. I ended up rooming with Wayman and was curious as to why no one else even asked to share the room. I found my answer at about 5AM when he shows up trying to get into the room. After about 5 minutes of what sounded like someone humping the door I got up and let his drunk ass in. I have no clue what he did to his card key but it looked like it had fallen into the disposal. He then decides he’s going to get all fired up and tell me about the folks that took his money at the poker table like I give a shit at that hour and hadn't just gone through it myself.

 

Five minutes later he’s out cold. I know this as his snoring would have made a chainsaw jealous. I look over and see that he’s lying sideways on the bed with his head hanging off the near side. I have no fucking clue how he got like that but I wasn’t about to help him out. I try to fall asleep with a pillow over my head, thinking I should put it over his, and push till he stops kicking. I decided that would take too much energy so I just deal with it the best I could. Just as I start to drift off he shouts “Dammit Justin! Knock that shit off!” I jump up and try to figure out how and why Justin is in our room, quickly realizing he isn’t. Apparently Wayman doesn’t talk in his sleep, he shouts. That shit went on throughout the night freaking me out every time. Not to mention he blew ass I’m guessing around 30 times as he slept. I couldn’t find the thermostat so I just had to deal with the 95 degree heat coupled with the stench of Wayman’s ass. About 8:30 I figure its over and get up to get the hell out of town. I woke Wayman up by throwing the curtains open, inadvertently finding the thermostat when I did. I explain to him how he ruined my night and was one additional undesirable action away from death. He snored, sleep yelled, sleep farted, tossed and turned, if you added in say sleep self violation he would have died by my hand. I have a new found respect for Alicia his girlfriend for dealing with this on a nightly basis. She will be known from here on out as St Alicia...

 

 

No guts no glory…

So I fell for it, and I will own it. TV Network propaganda got the best of El Capitan. I have for weeks been seeing these cryptic promos for “The Hole in the Wall”. They show just enough for me to have no clue what’s going down but still be intrigued. The other night I’m browsing through the guide to see what’s on. There it is at 8pm…the hole in the wall.

 

I get settled in with my imagination running wild. The hype is killing me as the contestant is standing on a dark stage in a shiny silver unitard while rocking kneepads and a helmet. The deep voice guy calls out “Are you ready for hole in the wall!?!” I yell out right along with the studio audience. “YES! Bring it on!!” Helmey screams as he can’t contain his excitement any longer. The countdown begins…3…2…1.

 

It was the countdown to my disappointment. I should have known what I had visualized would be better suited for HBO than the networks.

 

If this doesn’t make any sense to you just know you’re a better person than I am. If it does I hate to inform you that you’re on the same wavelength with El Cap, and that makes me sad for you. If you had to re-read the post or the title to get it there might be hope for you yet.

 

Mid-Day Update…

I’m finding it deeply disconcerting that I am the only one that drew that conclusion…

 

Take my hand…

 

Glory, hole in the wall...c'mon!!!

 

 

Wanna shiver me timbers?

Holy shit!! Its international talk like a pirate day today and I didn’t even know. Thanks Courtney for the heads up and making me feel like a shitty Ninjirate. Thus you all pretty much need to get your pirate talk on today. This link Courtney sent me should help with any questions.

 

It seems Brandy has finally decided to show up to the blogapalooza. The following is the transcript from last night.

 

Brandy “So I found your blog”

Helm “It’s about time! So what do you think?”

Brandy gives Helm the wife look

Helm “It’s awesome huh?”

Brandy gives an even more disgusted/disturbed version of the wife look.

 

So lets all welcome Brandy to the land of blogapalooza. This is assuming she will be back.

 

Its time to update the ECSE from yesterday. But first did you notice how the Dow is up over 300 points from just yesterday the SAME day the ECSE is open for business? Coincidence? I think not!

 

Here is today’s mini ticker…

 

(B) Brandy Holding steady at 69.00 up 49 points from yesterday. The surge is mainly due to her participation on the blogapalooza and for what I did to her last night while she was sleeping. The stock capping out only due to making me eat at Marie Callenders last night. That place sucks…

 

(HH) Heath up to 16.00 from 15.00. This is due to him calling to bitch about his value being the same as Wayman’s.

 

All other values are unchanged. Here is the list of folks that just went public today and their IPO’s.

 

(WP) Courtney AKA the WordPerv’s IPO is set at 11.50. The two main economic factors are that she is the one that informed me of today’s pirate awesomeness and getting shitfaced and puking on her blind date right after telling him she loved him. At least she didn’t shit her pants (or was that omitted from the post?).

 

(KPH) Karen’s IPO is at 9. She was one of the first blogs on my blogroll. It was added within seconds of reading this post (I had to clean coffee off my monitor after spitting it out and choking). However the Karen has been slacking (with posts and with Helm comments) for the past few months holding her IPO down a bit. Just because my blog is getting worse is no excuse. In her defense Karen has also been dodging various hurricanes and we are just happy she is safe.

 

(SHM) Shitty Helper Monkey Denise IPO is set at 1 cent as there is no lower currency amount available. In her plea for an outrageous IPO she commented things like “I have put up with you for the past two years”, “allowed Heath to hang out with you” and "photographed you on many occasions (which I never got paid)”. Right. First you should thank me as I have let you keep Heath. I could at anytime engage the plan “operation the nest is empty” as I’m sure you remember. As far as putting up with me and taking Helm photos go, I feel as you should be paying me. I am that awesome; however I will continue to provide this service for free. Lastly I never need an invite to crash a party. It’s how I roll and I will be there, without pants on.

 

(KEL) Kelli comes out with a strong 12.50 IPO. This is as she has witnessed the awesomeness known as El Capitan in person and appreciates sitting in pee (on two different occasions). Kelli attempts to come off as hardcore however I feel riding around on a white scooter with cheetah scarves proves otherwise. Her IPO gets a small nudge from her mom also knowing and acknowledging how awesome I am.

 

(WC) Doni breaks out with a 14.00 IPO. She outlined it better than I could in her comment on my last post. Go check it out for details. Warning…Don’t get carried away and let her touch your roth. Doni has also has the pleasure of Hangin' with Helm.

 

(STIME) The Summer offering is at 6.75. Summer is a new Helmey BlogBFF yet has already had the opportunity to hang out in the flesh. According to her blog (hidden under the shroud of anonymity) meeting the Helm had quite an effect on her. Actually I’m full of shit but it made me smile none the less. Summer’s value will increase as she keeps up on her blogging, blogapalooza commenting, and discontinues hanging out in the trees by my house with the binoculars. It’s starting to freak me out…

 

(SS) Sunshine will open at 3 bucks even. It’s in honor of her love for three rivers stadium and the black and gold that calls it home. It’s also low due to the fact that she’s the first one to remind me each weekend of how shitty the Lions played. Watch this stock. If she posts a photo of herself in a Calvin Johnson jersey and apologizes for her prior actions, this stock could triple overnight.

 

It doesn’t seem Mary, Jenny, or Mel are ready to go public just yet. They did comment but made no attempt to sway their respective values. Correct me if I’m wrong ladies.