Helmet's Blogapalooza

TFT…State Holidays (Helmey's 50th post! Woot!!)

Last Thursday, July 24th, was the Utah state holiday “Pioneer Day”. I’m not absolutely certain what the day represents so bear with me as I attempt an explanation. I do know the year in question was 1847 (as most of the events are called the days of ’47). It’s just everything beyond the year that’s fuzzy. If my memory serves me it’s when the Pioneers and Columbus discovered America on the Mayflower. Shortly after sailing to Utah, Moses parted the Great Salt Lake so the Seagulls could eat the crickets out of the burning bush. Last but not least Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck saved the day by blowing up an asteroid headed for the temple in beautiful downtown Salt Lake City. Again a few of the facts might be slightly off as I was in the fifth grade the last time I was told the meaning behind the holiday. As an adult it’s basically a July forth do-over.

I can only assume that most states have some sort of comparable holiday. Please be kind enough to leave a comment about yours. When it is, what it’s about and how drunk everyone gets so I will know if a road trip is necessary or not. If someone beats you to your state please give your version as there is always an alternate viewpoint. Also any Utahans out there please feel free to add to my explanation if I missed anything…

Other TFT'ers to check out...

Jenny, Robyn, and Michelle so far...let me know if I missed you... 

Lucky 13 and a new job posting…

I’ve recently noticed something disturbing about Bailey the wonder pup. As she rolls on her back for a belly rub I can’t help but to wonder if it’s normal. I don’t dare do an internet search on it as I’m frightened of what horrors might come up and/or get flagged by numerous government agencies. Therefore I will ask you, my blog faithful. If both of you would respond I will be forever grateful. Here it goes…Is it normal for a dog to have 13 nipples? I was under the impression that nipples were pretty much symmetrical and therefore an even number. Neither is true with wonder pup. Let me know your thoughts so I can get some z’s as this issue has been causing me some sleepless nights. See for yourself below.

Now for the job posting.

As I read numerous blogs it’s become apparent to me that all bloggers other than myself are either aspiring or accomplished writers. Occasionally I will review one of my old posts for reference, realize just how poorly written it is and cry. It seems that I will at times not only have the wrong word but miss entire words altogether. I never see this in other blogs. Possible porblems migt be that I do type too fast and write my posts in MS word followed by the copy paste thing. I know the program will take my typos and change the words arbitrarily into whatever its feeling. The other problem is that I only proof it once and knowing what I just wrote will pretty much miss all errors as my mind tricks me into thinking its all good.

Therefore the Blogapalooza needs an editor/proofer to resolve these issues before they get out of hand. The pay will come in the form of Helmey smiles and slaps on the ass (your ass, not mine). The hours are long as its might take days to decipher what the fuck I’m trying to say, and then fix it. All applicants will be accepted…thanks in advance…

Okay I gotta run. I have had a pot of coffee so far this morning and this post has gone on longer than I had expected. I think I just peed my pants… just a little bit…later

If it aint broke don’t fix it…

A rudimentary cliché at best but I’m starting to think there’s something to it.

A couple of weekends ago Brian mentions to Alicia how awesome my margaritas are. She immediately becomes defensive as she has real bartending experience and Helmey does not. My mixology background is basically limited to making drinks for my friends over the years. Considering I could feed them a glass of horse piss with some Jägermeister and a roofie knowing they would love it, the bar is not set all that high. That being said she challenges me to a margarita-off which took place on Saturday. I knew she would be bringing her “A” game (and bags of shit to back it up) so I decide to mix it up a bit, pun intended.

This might appall you as much as it did her but my primary ingredient is the pre-made mixer from the liquor store. This might seem like the easy way out but with modification read: additional tequila and a few other tweaks one can transform the mixer into a delicious treat. This time I grab the super premium mixer over the one I typically buy. Long story short in what should have been a blowout over the Alicia, was In actuality a tie…a tie… How could that be? I had to taste my own concoction to find out what had gone wrong. What went wrong was that it tasted like shit. I wouldn’t have even voted for myself on this one. The new mixer fucked up my chances to reach margarita infamy. If I would have just stayed true to what I know there would have been no problems.

I feel this is in some way a metaphor for my life. As of late I seem to take certain things that are working fine, tinker with them, and end up screwing things up. The lesson to be learned here would be to just take things that are currently problems or about to become a problem and improve those and only those issues. Take me for example. I am pretty sure at this point I have told you how awesome I am. Thus any improvements I attempt to make on myself could make me less awesome. Therefore I should avoid going to the gym, eating right, personal hygiene and so on. In theory my awesomeness should continue to be unrivaled. Then you can take my blog. It sucks yet I refuse to do anything about it. I guess it’s time I reevaluate my priorities. Nuh-uh … My blog will always suck. This is my commitment to you. Que Sera!!

TFT…Brandy’s trying to kill me

Be it that I have only been bloggin’ for a couple of months now, I shouldn’t have given up on the “thought for Thursday” just yet. Thus I’m going to give it another spin.

Aside from putting a shot of windex and/or lead in my drinks, and sprinkling my food with arsenic, I think Brandy is trying to kill me. I need to reevaluate and back off on the amount of my life insurance or I might not make it much longer.

We have one of those jetted tub slash showers in our master bathroom. Every time I shower after the wife (you quit showering together after marriage) I about bust my ass cause it's so slick in there. My hypothesis is that after her shower she slicks it up with Crisco and baby old in hopes I take the fatal dive. I even stand there and futilely spray the tub down for a few before I get in but it’s still like showing on a slip and slide. She swears up and down that it’s the plethora of girl products she uses (pretty is no accident) but I call bullshit.

What do you think?

Future crime scene?

I lied...

It seems there were two other things needing mentioned from the trip. Sorry…

Number 1 was the cougars. My buddy Heath is obsessed with cougars so I just had to snap this pic because I’m an awesome pal and wasn’t about to return home with a souvenir for my shitty friend. These ladies came to the pool in the most sparkly glitterific sun dresses you could imagine. So shiny that I’m pretty sure that a few people might have suffered some retinal damage upon their arrival. I’m not being an asshole either as everyone at the pool took notice. You know in the western flicks where the odd guy walks into the saloon, the music skips and everyone stops what they are doing to stare? Well there you go…

Number 2 was the number 1 (as in the peeing in the pool number 1) update. I said I was going to accomplish the mission and I did, kinda. I just had to wait for the right opportunity. Each afternoon a large group of us played beach volleyball. Being hot and humid as hell, drinking mass quantities of beer along with playing balls out v-ball for an hour would take its toll on the group. After the game ended the routine was for everyone to stumble into the ocean to cool off. This particular time everyone was in a somewhat close proximity to me while we dunked our heads and such to get our cool off, on. Then I broke out with “I didn’t think that game was ever going to end. I've had to piss for the last half hour”. Followed immediately by “I didn’t think I was going to make it down the beach here to the ocean without peeing my pants”. Half the group laughed, everyone got out. I’m awesome…