Helmet's Blogapalooza

She's all in!!!

Today a group of us is heading to Wendover for the night in honor of my birthday. For the non locals Wendover is a Nevada border town with Utah. Basically it’s a small town an hour and a half away with a half dozen casinos, a golf course, and a strip club. I’m not sure who’s going to make it but I’m sure its going to be awesome and should provide some good blog material. I do have one reservation about going back as Brandy and I had just gone a few months ago. Here’s what happened…

It started out harmlessly as we got there around 4PM and Brandy immediately wanted to go down and get her gamble on. We belly up to the video poker bar, have a few drinks and begin the casino ass kicking. At this point I’m going to fast forward to after dinner. I enter a hold em tourney that starts at 7 and bid farewell to B. I’m thinking I would be right back as the time before I was the first one out in a field of 55 and this time there was 61.  However this time I played flawlessly and make it to the final table. Everyone at that point decided on splitting the winnings evenly calling it a day. Awesome, Helm wins!!

So I grab my rack of chips and start running around the casino looking for B so I can show her how awesome I am. I finally find her at some machine all wild eyed playing video keno of all things. She lets me know she’s running low on funds so I hand her 150 in chips because I’m awesome. Apparently the machines don’t take chips and I’m told to go cash it and bring her bills. I do as I’m told and then go screw around some more. I hit the roulette, craps, and blackjack tables and hold my own. Inevitably I head back to the poker room to get in on that action again. As I settle in my mind goes back to the haunting look in Brandy’s eyes and her erratic behavior as I had left her. To be honest it was a creepy side of her that I had never seen.

A few hours pass and my phone rings, Brandy is calling but I can not answer is as I’m still in the hand (you can only use a phone if your not playing or out of the hand). Then she comes strolling in even more cracked out looking than before. She breaks off a "I need more".  I hand her the 50 cent piece that I had been using as a card guard. She starts to walk off having no idea how much I had just handed her until the douche bags at my table told her what it was. So I give her another 150 in chips and she’s off again. I continue to play till they shut the table down about 2:30 AM; I’m too tired to move to another game and decide to call it a night.

I find her again and at this point she looks completely nuts. She mumbles something like "I lost it all" as I coral her and head back to the room. She still has like 50 bucks left and I can tell its killing her to leave. On the way out she looks at the sports book board and pops off something to the effect of she doesn’t know how it works but she’s going to win her money back and heads for the desk. Fortunately the sports book was closed so we can get back to the room. Back in the room she’s like a caged animal pacing the floor frantically and telling me how close she was to winning the jackpots on "Caveman Keno". She then confesses that she was going to clean out her savings, car, and mortgage payments and so on if that’s what it took.

She gets to sleep and I figure that should cure her. It didn’t. All I have been hearing is about her wanting to go back. "We can go after work Monday" or "I still have vacation days I haven’t used that I’m going too lose"…lose is right… I think she needs an intervention…

get your birthday suit on!

My birthday is this weekend thus the annual never-ending debate with Brandy begins. She has apparently always celebrated her "half birthday" on July 4th.

Side note: Brandy feels that people with birthdays around the holidays get shortchanged therefore should get a half birthday at the midway point. I must admit I don’t help the cause as I get her a shitload of crap, put it under the tree and tell her to open half on Christmas and the rest on her B-day…then I typically get the wife look as she defiantly informs me that they will all be opened on Christmas and I need to get her new gifts that she hasn’t seen yet for her birthday...anyhow back to my point (if there is one)

I don't think there should even be half birthdays at all, yet she is convinced they are necessary (but mostly in her case). Assuming that she gets her half birthday, and the B-day being Jan 3rd, by my count would make her half birthday fall on my birthday June 1st. But by counting backwards from the days of the year it could be June 14th also known as my favorite holiday, Flag Day.

She is quite upset over this whole thing and has concluded that she will just celebrate her half birthday on all of the aforementioned dates from here on out. This obviously will not work for Helmey. Can I get some input please? Something definitive would be nice so I can present a convincing case to her…please show your work as well…

TFT...Interspecies Erotica

Over the weekend I logged some time watching shows about dogs on cable. With the new puppy I feel I need to be in the know. It seems that there are all kinds of new designer hybrid dogs out there from the last time I paid attention. Labradoodle, Shih-Poo, and so on…so I start thinking.

What if any species/animal could successfully breed with one another? I think there would be some freaky shit walking/ flying around outside. Not to mention that half the pets and livestock within a few miles of Knikers place would bear a striking resemblance to him (Yes I have been rough on him as of late...but he started it). Just the thought of a bee porking a spider gives me the creeps. Fuck that, if there were flying bee spiders outside I would never leave the house, ever. Regionally it could be a disaster as well. Take Kentucky for example (easy, I lived there for a bit so I have the right). There would be more half breed human/sheep or whatever walking around than people. Would they have the same rights as full humans?  Would we be able to keep Richard Gere’s gerbil love children as pets?

This brings me to my final thought and the age old question of if you had to get it on with a mermaid would you rather the bottom half fish top half human or the other way around. For the ladies in an attempt to prove that chivalry is not dead I will provide you with TWO options. the Minotaur or Centaur, your choice. As a reminder the Minotaur was an ancient creature in Greek mythology that was half human and half bull, the Centaur half Horse and Human. Same question top or bottom half human. Or if you chose to pass on this question how about some cross bread/ hybrid species you would like or not like to see out there…

I Just gave this post a quick proof read…You might be wondering what’s wrong with me…I’m asking myself the same question but I'm posting this rubbish nonetheless...I will understand if you keep me off your TFT lists...

the medicinal miracle

Things are still suck ass in the Helmey industry so I have been thinking back to some potential business ventures that Harks, Shitty Helper Monkey and I had brainstormed in the not so distant past. We came up with an ingenious product that was to take the world by storm. It was a pill capsule under FDA approval that would take an overly excited, irritated, or chatty wife/girlfriend and make her calm down and possibly even fall asleep. Thus husband can resume doing whatever without the added irritant. The pill consisted of a blend of sedatives, muscle relaxants, and narcotics such as valium, lithium and xanax that would bring the wife from a level 8 - 10 to a 0 – 2. This pill was to be called "Silent Wife" and it would have been the greatest thing since sliced bread (or the Dirty Sanchez if you ask Kniker). 

At first I failed understand why SHM (Shitty Helper Monkey) was all into this project other than the obvious monetary reward. I always in the back of my mind thought it was a gross betrayal of her gender and found that issue to become more and more disconcerting. That was until I figured out her motivation.

Long story short a bunch of us were are Wayman’s watching his shitty Dallas Cowboys play football and getting our drink on. Harks is fine one moment and the next he can only keep one eye open at a time, he’s falling over, and his speech was so fucked up it sounded an alien language or possibly French.  It’s a good thing he quit trying to talk because I’m pretty sure he was drooling too. SHM gathers him up to take him home as he continued to fall apart and had to shoulder him out of there…Then it hit me…

SHM hit him with a silent wife!!! DAMMIT!!! Immediately I scraped the entire venture. I had failed to realize that this pill could be abused by wives/girlfriend’s trying to curb their respective husband/boyfriends awesomeness. I could not have that on my conscience; along with the inability to keep wives from using the drug on boyfriend/hubby’s everywhere. The plan has been postponed indefinitely or until I can find a way that testosterone would provide immunity or that only estrogen can activate the pill. Sadly I doubt this will be in my lifetime.

To stache or not to stache?

My buddy Kniker calls me and throws down the gauntlet. The challenge? To grow a mustache. Apparently in conversation his wife and he had concluded that the stache is the new look of awesomeness and that we should rock it. Keep in mind that I have been sporting the goatee for a decade now and have great hesitation in accepting this challenge. I do realize that facial hair can be quickly and easily fixed unlike a bad haircut or a “mom tattoo” yet I can’t seem to come off the fence.

Last night I included Harks on the challenge and he’s all for it. The wife however is angry about the entire concept and has voiced great objection.

Kniker would probably rock the John Waters (He typically rolls with the dirty sanchez)

Harks would go with the dirt squirrel

I'm leaning towards the porn stache

This is where I need your help. As I mentioned I can’t pull the trigger just yet. What do you think I should do? Let me know and I will post what the final decision is and probably have to take some before and afters if I go for it. Also if you want to, or know of someone that would like to participate in the challenge let me know and we can get them onboard as well. That is unless the wife exercises her power of veto…