Helmet's Blogapalooza

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Arrrrr.....

Today is Brandy and my 6 year wedding anniversary. Lets all take a second congratulate (or console, your choice) her on not killing me in that time. The traditional gift for year six is candy, but the fact that I’m as super sweet as I am it might be overkill. Therefore I think we should book a beach vacation instead. You’re the best wife ever Brandy! I love you!

 

Last Saturday we took black dog and the captain to river park and the creepy renaissance people were there again. I don’t trust them. Anyone that wants to play make believe that they live in another time other than the present is one thing. When you choose the dark ages as the time period something’s terribly wrong. I remember growing up with a huge ass yellow sony sports walkman attached to my hip with my mix cassette tape that would kill a set of double A’s every other day. Now kids run around with ipods even smaller than Wayman’s privates… That is if they have to slum it with a non MP3 playing cell phone. Keep in mind that was just 20 or so years ago and not the 1500’s. The old days suck, and anyone that chooses to reenact / relive said periods can’t be trusted. As soon as I complete this blog I’m going on a mission.

 

I will contact the FBI and see if they will send me in under cover to infiltrate their organization if they don’t have someone in already. I have to say if they do have someone in that they are doing a shitty job as they haven’t taken these suckers down yet. The plan will be for me to get in and earn their trust. I will have to use my pirate talk in lieu of medieval talk as I don't know how to speak it. Hopefully they won’t notice. Then when they are least expecting it I will unveil my ninjirate sword from underneath the fake silly foam rubber sword and attack like there’s no tomorrow because lets face it, if they had there way there wouldn’t be…

 

     we're up to no good...

It's on...

Hey BPals, it me Helmey, for real not pretend. Apparently a byproduct of abandoning your blog and blog BFF’s is that no one reads your shit anymore. My bad…

 

A quick update on all things Helmey and an answer to some comment FAQ’s.

 

Lewis the fish finally succumbed to whatever was ailing him and passed away yesterday taking the long swim to fish heaven to be judged by the flying spaghetti monster…

 

Godspeed Lewis.

 

The Captain will be living here permanently and is not a foster. Brandy found him with a breeder in Michigan (he’s a huge Lions fan) and had him overnighted via FedEx.

My attempt to grow a third arm to this point has been a complete failure.

 

It’s looking like a June ’09 trip to Cancun is in order. If you’re interested let me know as you will be granted access to Helmey’s super secret website… This wont be like the failed trip to suck Vegas… This is going to happen… with or without you…

Helmey is born again!!!

Holy shit! Or should I say Holy FSM!!! Courtney who has her finger on the pulse of all things awesome has sent me something that has changed my life. I am the newest member of the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. After some footwork and basic research everything has come into focus for me. I still need to order “The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster” from Amazon and read up but just the basic fundamentals that I have already discovered have opened my eyes to the world we live in.

 

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant universe relationship between pirates and global temperature.

 

 

 

Now that I am a full on Pastafarian, I feel as I need to serve a mission to spread the word so others can feel the assuring touch from the FSM's noodly appendage. I must keep in mind that I need to observe the Church of the FSM religious holidays which occur every Friday. This way I can go to Pastafarian heaven which even has a beer volcano.

 I don’t want to get ahead of myself as first I need to consistently attend the worship service, which is conducted in pirate talk and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb.

 

Can I get a rAmen

 

P.S. I will included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.

 

  

Shanky had a little lamb

I have yet to confirm the facts but I have herd heard variations of this situation from many different sources. Apparently Shank for whatever reasons has a small flock of lambs living in his backyard. The story ranges from a few to a half dozen but the fact remains he has livestock in his fucking backyard. Now keep in mind Shank doesn’t live in the sticks, but in suburbia just about a mile away from me. The question remains as to why he has converted his backyard to a barnyard but as of yet no one has been able to even venture a guess for me. The most disturbing version of the story is the one Heath told me where Shank had taken a special liking to one lamb in particular and “fucked it to death.” When I try to confirm that fact most people who are aware of the situation admit they know that one didn’t make it but could not confirm that his lovin’ had killed it, or that we was even sexually active amongst his flock even if they had their suspicions. The story continues that he threw the dead lamb out in the trash as it’s too big to flush down the toilet.

 

I think Helmey is going to have to orchestrate a late night intel/recon ninjirate mission to get more facts and evidence.

 

If I peek over the fence and see this...

 

 

 

...I’m out

Helmey Kevorkian

So, BPals, I have this dilemma. Typically when a fish starts to act funny, swimming upside down and shit it’s only a matter of hours before they are taking their victory lap in the potty. Sadly Lewis the fish has been dying for over a week now and won’t give it up. At this point he floats on the top like its over until I try to fish him out (pun intended). Then like a tiny miracle he freaks out, comes back to life, and swims around top speed albeit jacked up and sideways. I can’t bring myself to flush him before he’s dead, however he must be miserable in his current state. Any suggestions? Any help would be appreciated (besides Katie who I already know will suggest boiling him).

 

Here is a short video of Lewis and Zombie fish from better fish days.

 

Zombie Fish

 

 

 

And a short Cappy vid...