Helmet's Blogapalooza

I lied...

It seems there were two other things needing mentioned from the trip. Sorry…

Number 1 was the cougars. My buddy Heath is obsessed with cougars so I just had to snap this pic because I’m an awesome pal and wasn’t about to return home with a souvenir for my shitty friend. These ladies came to the pool in the most sparkly glitterific sun dresses you could imagine. So shiny that I’m pretty sure that a few people might have suffered some retinal damage upon their arrival. I’m not being an asshole either as everyone at the pool took notice. You know in the western flicks where the odd guy walks into the saloon, the music skips and everyone stops what they are doing to stare? Well there you go…

Number 2 was the number 1 (as in the peeing in the pool number 1) update. I said I was going to accomplish the mission and I did, kinda. I just had to wait for the right opportunity. Each afternoon a large group of us played beach volleyball. Being hot and humid as hell, drinking mass quantities of beer along with playing balls out v-ball for an hour would take its toll on the group. After the game ended the routine was for everyone to stumble into the ocean to cool off. This particular time everyone was in a somewhat close proximity to me while we dunked our heads and such to get our cool off, on. Then I broke out with “I didn’t think that game was ever going to end. I've had to piss for the last half hour”. Followed immediately by “I didn’t think I was going to make it down the beach here to the ocean without peeing my pants”. Half the group laughed, everyone got out. I’m awesome…

Puppy stickers and chivalry is far from dead…

It seems everywhere I’ve lived that there is a theme for people putting things on their car windows. You might find that in Arizona it's tinting, and in the Midwest its NASCAR stickers. Here in Utah it’s the stickers you put on your Mormon assault vehicle Suburban that represent each member of your family. I guess I was out of town and didn’t get the memo on where to purchase said stickers but I want to be included.

I have one slight issue. I need one has the wife and I, the dog, a lobster, (I refuse to own the wife’s two cats), and the people trapped in my basement. I can’t find the aforementioned sticker anywhere and refuse to visit the craigslist. Any ideas?

Shortly after sticker envy set in I had to get some gas for Hattori. As I’m getting raped at the pump (figuratively and not in the dolphin way) I look over a notice a lady putting gas in her car. As she fills up, she checks her oil, and then begins to wash her windows. All of this time her hubby is sitting behind the wheel with the A/C cranked while watching her do her thing. I just assume the dude is hurt or disabled and can’t help her or do it himself. I was wrong. As she finishes up he gets out of the car for an inspection. He then proceeds to jump her shit about some streaks he found on the window and pretty much just be an asshole in general. Good thing he didn’t inspect my car as when I rock the squeegee I leave huge dirt steaks every time. If he would have talked to me like he did his wife I would have cleaned the streaks with his face.

Later that night I proceeded to tell the wife about what I had seen earlier that day. I then mention that in our years together that she has yet to put gas in the car when we are together much less wash the windows or check the oil. It would seem then asking the question of “Where did I go wrong?” was in itself wrong. In lieu of an answer I got the “wife look”. Typically this is the time where I’m supposed to stop whatever I'm doing immediately to avoid getting in trouble. However this particular time I thought I was funny and pressed on. Bad move… Long story short I fell to the ground and pretend that I was already hurt to prevent getting hurt for real. It apparently didn’t work as the wife didn’t fall for my trick. Then I pretended to be dead. Again the wife was too smart for my treachery.

So what did I learn? I will be on gas duty forever and I will like it. I also know now that the “wife look” is like a red light or a stop sign and must always be obeyed and is not merely a suggestion as previously thought. 

el último poste de viaje (the last post about the vacation)

I figure its about time to quit milking the trip for blog posts so this should be it. It looks like I’m going to have to get back to the real world and live again. Wish me luck.

Now that I think about it I think I’ve covered most of what there was worth mentioning (and some) about the va-ca. I did however neglect to bring up the “entertainment” at the resort. As previously mentioned the resort was a bit out of the way, coupled with being in our early 30’s hitting the club scene in Cancun wasn’t an appealing option. This left us at the mercy of the resort’s bartenders entertainment staff to fill our evenings. I’m not about to go into details and give myself more panicky flashbacks, but have you ever mistakenly stopped on a telemundo variety show while channel surfing? Feel my pain below…

sideshow

Last but not least just want to give props to my new BFF Gabriel. He was my dark angel at the bar 30 feet from my room. His English and my Spanish sucked ass but we were still able to forge a week long bromance despite the communication barrier. I couldn’t make it within 10 feet of the bar before he had a delicious tequila crown royal all ready for me. He even gave me my very own hairnet to take home with me…what a guy…

Gabe

Godspeed Gabe…Here's to you...

The mexi-ventures…

Contrary to what some might believe, we did take time from drinking to actually do some shit outside of the resort. A bunch of my friends have asked me if I had a chance to swim with the dolphins. The answer is that as much as I would have liked to, I did not. My reasoning is that I have been told that dolphins can become sexually attracted to humans and are the only other creatures on gods earth that have sex for fun. It goes without saying that I looked awesome the entire trip, or it might have been the “beer goggles”, but to error on the side of caution I will go with looked awesome. The last thing I wanted to do was spark an international incident by having an American dude get gang raped by a bunch of Mexican dolphins. Its not that I have anything against dolphins but more so that I hear the underwater sex thing rarely works out, and that I’m married.

I think I’d better move on…

I had a chance to do my first wreck dive while I was there. It was a Mexican warship about 90 feet down, about 12 miles of the coast. To be honest diving throughout the vessel amongst the schools of fish and other sea life was one of the most awesome things I have ever done. The only drawback other than being hung over was the other 6 divers just happened to be douche bags. Typically divers have some sort of comradely but not with this group. The haters were very careful not make eye contact with, speak to, or acknowledge my very existence.

We took a ferry to the island “Isla Mujeres”. It was Brandy’s idea as the direct translation is the "Island of Women". We get off the boat and instantly are mobbed by the locals demanding we buy the shitty shit they had for sale. Then a dude comes up and offers a golf cart for us to rent to tour the island…jackpot. We circle the island making the deco and/or booze stops to take in the local flavor. I got to play with some big ass iguanas and buy some worthless crap before returning. I tried to sell my wife to some of the locals but that happened to be the moment that they conveniently no hablo inglés’d me. Then I got "wife looked" and had to move on.

We went on a jungle speed boat tour. It was a lie as there was no jungle involved but it was still a good time. We were given a small speed boat and followed the guide to a snorkel site. One lady wrecked into another boat (no damage or injuries) but other than that it was pretty much “you had to be there” shit. I will attach a few pics (I have bad hair in picture uno cause I was going top speed in the golf cart...don’t hate).

Drinking, booze, and drinking

Thus begins the next chapter in our adventure. Before I jump into the post I wanted to add one more item to the “things in learned in Meheko” list. By crossing the boarder do not assume you can violate do things to your significant other that you can not get away with at home. Yes, you can get some pharmaceuticals without a prescription there… however roofies are not one of them.

Drinking… I was a grand champion alcoholic for 8 blissful days. So much so I was knighted by some of the UK guys as “Sir Helmey” even though I doubt it counts for real. They had a “The man of Excellence 2K8” competition on the stage one night and I was just drunk enough to volunteer to make an ass out of myself in front of a few hundred people. There were four of us and one of the events was a beer drinking competition. I won in such a blowout the other fellas didn’t even bother to finish their respective beers either time. I did lose the rest of the events and managed to come in 5^th out of four people but who’s counting.

Going from 4500 feet to sea level was a big drinking help as well. I have complied a small tribute to the bars (9 at the resort alone), the booze, and the people who made my hangovers possible. Enjoy

Mex Booze Tribute